Love, Sex, and (Multiple) Relationships - Dinner Table Digest № 69

The Dinner Table Digest is an intermittent collection of interesting material from around the internet, curated by Peter Thurley at Dinner Table Don'ts. Subscribe today!

Dec 19, 2023

It’s the 69th Dinner Table Digest, which means, of course, that it’s going to be an edition focused on love, sex, and relationships. Please don’t tell me that you didn’t snicker just a little when you saw the number 69, maybe letting out the socially acceptable ‘Niiiiccccceeeeee’ in response. I know I sure did!

À propos of nothing, today I turn “The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything” years old!

Sections: Exploring Non-Monogamy / Philosophy of Love and Sex / Carrie Jenkins on ABC News / Sexuality and Chronic Pain / Pleasure Activism

How to Explore Ethical Non-Monogamy - Meg Wilson - Psyche

Over the past few years non-monogamy has been having a moment in the sun. Or at least it’s peeking through the clouds, reminding us that while our culture highly values committed, monogamous partnerships between two people, that’s not the only possible way for people to love and to be loved.

For my part, I know that it is possible for me to love more than one person at a time. I don’t think that love, in all of its glorious variations, has to be confined to one person at a time. That’s not to say that monogamy isn’t valuable, or that people who do think that love must be confined to one person at a time are wrong in how they think. I just wonder if, in socially enforcing monogamous relationship configurations, we don’t close ourselves off to possibilities for those who have the capacity and desire for something different.

You might find yourself reading this because at some point you encountered non-monogamy in passing and would like to learn a bit more before you take action. In my work as a therapist, I have encountered all sorts of unique individuals and people in relationships who come with their own valid reasons for wanting to try a different style of relationship. Perhaps you grew up in a conservative (perhaps religious) household in which the scope of acceptable behaviour and lifestyle was relatively narrow. Or maybe you entered a committed relationship when you were very young and, while you would still like to maintain this loving relationship, you also feel a sense that there is more you could explore with others – in a physical or a romantic way. You also might be aware of a sexual desire that your current partner does not align with and that you would like the opportunity to explore outside of the relationship in an ethical way. Regardless of the romantic or sexual desires you have, it’s my aim to help you feel more secure in your decision-making.

It can be very disorienting to live in a mono-normative culture if you are someone inclined towards non-monogamy. If you’re in an existing monogamous relationship, even broaching your thoughts with your significant other can be very disruptive. Even if you’re not in a monogamous relationship, talking with others about your relationship style can result in incredulous stares and even broken friendships. This guide is a very thorough introduction to non-monogamy,1 including tools and resources to help you learn more about what non-monogamous relationships could look like for you.

The Philosophy of Love and Sex - Patricia Marino

I wanted to highlight a book I read this year, written by a member of the panel of readers for my 2008 M.A. thesis, Dr. Patricia Marino. Marino spent many years as the co-President of the Society for the Philosophy of Love and Sex, and has taught classes at the University of Waterloo on the philosophy of love and sex for more than 15 years. If you want to become acquainted with some of the issues that philosophers have been thinking about, then this is the book for you. At the beginning of the second chapter, “Objectification, Autonomy and Pornography,” she writes,

Is there a way to bring together Nussbaum’s idea that objectification is nuanced with the idea that it’s the social context that matters? I propose that one way to do this is to refocus the problem back to respect for autonomy, but to also build in a dimension of “social autonomy.” You can, I will argue, choose to be “used” and thus consent to being objectified. But from this point of view, what matters in objectification isn’t so much the nature of the relationship but rather consent and the reasons people have for making the choices that they do. Whether objectification is one-sided, or among strangers, or whatever, what matters is what you choose, and also whether you choose freely. Social factors play an important role in distinguishing choices that are freely made from those that are made in response to pressure or outright coercion.

She deals with a variety of contemporary issues in the philosophy of love and sex, including both non-monogamy and having a healthy sexuality as a disabled person.

Philosopher Carrie Jenkins (UBC) Talks with ABC News About Polyamory

Living With Chronic Pain, A Healthy Sex Life Can Take Creativity - Michael Mallinson - Huffington Post

Time to be honest: Having a fulfilling sex life when you suffer from significant chronic pain and other forms of chronic illnesses is extraordinarily difficult. In my own life, I am on a significant number of drugs, many of which impact all aspects of the male sexual experience. Not only has my libido plummeted, exacerbated by constant pain in my abdomen, but my performance has also been negatively affected. As you can imagine, this affects my self-esteem, which has the effect of mentally reinforcing the false but pernicious idea that I am somehow sexually defective. It also impacts my wife, who, instead of enjoying intimate moments with her husband, spends her time trying to lift her partner’s flagging spirits. This situation is good for no one.

I also know that many disabled people experience many of these challenges. It often requires that all partners involved re-frame their perspective about what a fulfilling sex life means for each individual. In a world that sees ‘the sex act’ as penis-in-vagina-that-results-in-an-orgasm-for-at-least-one-individual, coming to understand that this action is not even necessary to experience sexual intimacy with a partner can be a challenging paradigm change. Here’s Michael Mallinson:

Some of the advice can address the top myths about sexuality, such as sex always equals intercourse and the goal of sex is orgasm. Another myth is that there comes a time when sex is not important. In Ms. Zink's view, sex is as important at 80 as at 20.
For people living with AS [Ankylosing Spondylitis], it is important not to feel that their health and any physical challenges no longer make them sexy. After all, this is a young persons' disease and strikes men and women in the prime of their lives, usually before age 35. Who wants to give up on sex and intimacy when there are decades of life left?
Key to a continuing healthy sex life is a sense of humour, proper communication and a taste for adventure. Don't give up! As Ms. Zink said to the gentleman who complained his arthritis had made him unable to have an erection and therefore he couldn't keep his wife happy with sex, "What, you don't have a tongue?!"

Pleasure Activism - adrienne maree brown - Boston Review

This provocative piece asks us to unlearn - and then do the hard work of re-learning - our attitudes - both individually and socially - towards pleasure. brown writes at the beginning of her piece,

Pleasure activists seek to understand and learn from the politics and power dynamics of everything that makes us feel good. This includes sex and the erotic, drugs, fashion, humor, passion work, connection, reading, cooking and eating, music and other arts, and so much more. Pleasure activism acts from an analysis that pleasure is a natural, safe, and liberated part of life—and that we can offer each other tools and education to make sure sex, desire, drugs, connection, and other pleasures aren’t life-threatening or harming but rather life-enriching.
Pleasure activists believe that, by tapping into the potential goodness in each of us, we can generate justice and liberation, growing a healing abundance where we have been socialized to believe only scarcity exists. Ultimately, pleasure activism is us learning to make justice and liberation the most pleasurable experiences we can have on this planet.

She continues, asking difficult questions about how we internalize what it means to find pleasure and provide pleasure to others. To conclude, I leave you with this section:

I once got to swim in a body of water where saltwater met freshwater. With goggles on, I could see the subtle horizontal line between the freshwater on top and the heavier, denser seawater below. That visual comes to mind as I think of the cultures in which we swim in the United States. The heavier seawater is our much-defended rape culture, which is fed by fantasies of incest, rape, coercion, boundary transgression, force, transaction, and scenarios where the masculine wields power over the feminine. Floating above that is the culture of repression, often rooted in religious spaces. Repression fantasies focus on purity, innocence, virginity, monogamy, and youth.
These fantasies train us in the gender-normative behaviors that sustain our layered culture. We learn from parents, teachers, extended family, media, religious leaders, and basically all adults we encounter. And, of course, our early lovers, who are often fumbling in their own confusion and learning.
Men learn to be dominant, initiating penetrators: they learn that it’s in their nature to ravish women. Women learn to be coy, dishonest receptacles: we’re taught to say no until the last moment—and then say nothing but yes. Or say nothing and mean yes. Those who don’t fit into this binary construction, or who shift within it in their lifetimes, are often expected to still don these roles in sexual encounters. The lessons are sometimes very direct, other times implied: cross your legs like a lady, save that for your husband, take her like a man, it hurts a little at first, it’s just nature, who’s your Daddy.
Layer into this our intersecting systems of hierarchy—racism, ableism, classism, etc.—and you have a plethora of fantasies that perpetuate and sustain a janky reality. These gendered fantasies shape our very sense of self. How do I fit in this world? Am I desirable? How do I become desirable? What role must I play? Do I take or give?
So few people make it to this question: What do I really want?

What do you really want?

Dinner Table Don'ts